


la tímida aurora de tus células

by androidmin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Space, M/M, Sex, Space!AU, Vixx - Freeform, alcohol use, character experiencing panic attack, character losing consciousness, f(x) - Freeform, inaccurate information about astronomy and space travel, instance where character is hurt (mild), m/m - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:46:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androidmin/pseuds/androidmin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's a fleeting flashing ray of light, a magnificent coincidence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

pairing:minseok/luhan  
rating:nc17  
length:20060  
warnings:sex, character experiencing panic attack, character losing consciousness, instance where character is hurt (mild), alcohol use, inaccurate information about astronomy and space travel  
summary:it's a fleeting flashing ray of light, a magnificent coincidence.  
a/n: originally written/posted for [](http://theluminations.livejournal.com/profile)[**theluminations**](http://theluminations.livejournal.com/) [here](http://theluminations.livejournal.com/15567.html). minor editing was done. credit title to zoe's ['la via láctea'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4GGDAra0zY).

 

 

 

  


_at the end,_  
gold stardust and pink finger tips,  
a streak across the universe  
it’s a wrinkle in time, almost  
a second of life  
brief,  
but it flashes brightly,  
pulsates with a ferocious determination  
to completely and wholly,  
not consume really,  
but melt down,  
Evanesce  
with a fizzing soothing almost undetectable sound into  
gentle bones,  
atoms of an ephemeral existence,  
It becomes the most gratifying  
tilting of lips and flashing of teeth.  
It's a way to catapult deep into the unknown with open arms  
and fall deep deep deep into the briefest of moments.  
it’s not the end or the beginning,  
it’s an eternal cycle of what-could-have-beens  
meeting by chance. 

 

 

✶❊✶

 

 

 

Minseok is five, small body securely strapped into his dad’s truck, green backpack on top of his knees. The windows are rolled all the way down, a gentle spring breeze ruffles the hair that sticks out from under his Bugs Bunny baseball cap. His dad is humming along to the radio, fingers tapping on the steering wheel as they wait at the stoplight.

“Today NASA will be launching a spacecraft--” The announcer on the radio says after stating the time, date, and traffic conditions. The small boy perks up, kicking his legs as he joins in on the countdown. He gasps when the light turns green, having reached one.

“And blast off!” His dad chances a smile at him, Minseok returns it, twice as bright.

It’s April, 1995, and as Minseok sits in class, completely enthralled in his drawing, he decides to go to outer space one day too.

“Daddy!” Minseok greets his father after school, noticing the light dusting of white on his hair. The overalls he wears to work are worn down, the safety helmet a dull yellow today.

“Hi Minnie,” He straightens the hat precariously perched on his son’s head.

“I want to go to space,” Minseok says, pulling his backpack off as he climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.

“Yeah?” He straps Minseok in, “And when did you decide that?” The engine sputters twice, finally roaring to life after it warms up. Minseok kicks his legs, one of the laces comes loose.

“Today,” He pauses, small face taking on a serious look, “Do you think I can do it?”

“Of course,” His father’s face reminds Minseok of the sandbox at school. Deep lines already marked on the tan skin. He’s really young, but there’s a lifetime that spreads between him and his son.

“You can do anything you set your mind to. You’re a smart boy.”

Minseok’s eyes turn into small crescents, chest filling with pride from his father’s words. He promises to make his dad proud.

He announces his decision again later, Minseok’s mother rewards him a wide smile.

“Of course baby,” She pats his head, her hair tickles his forehead when he leans in to let her place a kiss on his cheek. Minseok thinks she’s the prettiest person in the world. Her eyes curve the same way as his. She’s lying down on the bed, room dark. She always takes a nap after coming home from work. She sometimes complains that her back aches too much.

Minseok is usually careful to not make too much noise, but he was vibrating with excitement so he came, he had to tell his mom the news.  
“Mama,” His voice is serious now pausing in the doorway, “Daddy says you have to rest, okay?”

She nods, smiling softly, “Tell your daddy to wash up, we’ll eat dinner when I get up.”

He obediently relays the message to his dad, and then proceeds to take his books out of his backpack. Minseok does him homework, and when he finishes up, quietly grabs his toys to play with. He pretends a plastic water bottle is a space shuttle, imagines himself inside, taking off towards the stars.

 

 

Minseok’s English is a lot less shaky, and any trace of an accent is gone now that he’s older. It’s 1999.

Despite the chilly air, he’s only wearing a light sweater, holding his mom’s hand as they walk down to the laundromat.

Saturday is laundry day.

What makes this day so special is, it means they’ll buy snacks on the way home from the international market on their block.

Minseok helps load clothing into two washing machines, inserting the coins into the slots. He watches through the glass as it fills with water, the clothes swirling around. His favorite part is when everything turns sudsy, colors melding together. Minseok wanders around, weaving between the rows of rumbling dryers. His sneakers squeak against the linoleum, but when his foot kicks something, Minseok thinks it must be his lucky day. He picks up the wadded green, spreading it out. He smiles at the stoic face of George Washington staring back at him.

When they’re at the market later, hauling the laundry baskets full of warm clean clothes, something catches Minseok’s eye. He immediately picks up the glossy magazine, a _National Geographic_ sporting an image of the space shuttle, _Discovery_. He runs his fingers over the cover, the cold slick paper holding a certain amount of heaviness in his hands. He puts the jelly candy he was going to get back.

“Mama,” He holds the magazine out, “can I get this?”

“Sure,” She drops a bag of rice into the basket.

But when they’re checking out, his mom realizes she didn't bring enough money. She pats herself down, searching for any spare cash. Minseok fingers the wrinkly dollar bill in his pocket; he hands it to her proudly, feeling like a lifesaver when she smiles, relieved.

“You’re always such a good boy,” she smiles after they’ve had lunch, back at home, they’re folding the laundry. When Minseok was younger, he would fall asleep after making a nest of his clean socks and shirts. He stays awake now, instead hunting for socks to pair up.

He goes to sleep that night, easily floating off to dream as he counts the stars on his ceiling.

 

✶❊✶

 

 

 

_It smells like damp Earth, firefly season is here. The sky is so vast, and Minseok, so so small.  
He is a speck, in a field, and there are hundreds of stars._

_One falls before him, and Minseok is rushing towards it. Reaching out with small hands, but he falls. Tall grass cushioning his fall as he tumbles into an opening. A warm glow, pulsating in colors or orange, yellow, and muted red._

_It expands in a hot flashing light._

_Gold dust rains down, coating everything._

_He is enveloped in warmth._

_A beautiful, comforting glow._

 

 

✶❊✶

Minseok is sitting in his kitchen, his bare foot poking at the speckled tiles. He holds the phone to his ear, twisting the coil around and around. He notices too late that he’s cutting the circulation off of his hand. He lets it go, and it springs neatly back into place.

Static crackles over the phone, he’s in between jobs so he can’t afford a cellphone at the moment, but what does it matter when he has free international calling on his home phone anyway?

“Honey,” his mom’s tired voice comes onto the phone, “how are you?”

“Good,” he says, “I’m doing alright. How are things going for you?”

She launches into a short story of an _ahjussi_ with a yippy dog that insisted on being carried into the store. He had taken more than an hour to pick out toilet paper. Minseok chuckles, enjoying the light laughter coming from his mom. Even if it crackles.

“And how’s dad,” he asks, “still cycling?”

The pause that comes next worries Minseok.

“He’s good, but you know how bad his back hurts him--”

When people ask Minseok what his parents are like--he always answers with a knot in his throat. He tells them they’re good people, hard workers, but they went back to Korea. A family business was waiting for them, and the money they made here, hard earned as it was, allows them to live comfortably now. Better than before.

Minseok had opted to stay, as much as it killed him that is. University and a part time job kept him rooted here, but now--

“Mama,” He sucks in a deep breath, “I’m thinking of dropping out of school.”

“But why? Why would you do that--” She begins to drive herself into a sort of panic, and Minseok has learned over the years let her reach the end before answering.

 

He finally hangs up after his father comes to talk him out of dropping out of college too. He's much more gentle, there's less bite in his words, and that’s the most reassuring, the safest way to know that Minseok--at least can have some time to think.

He thinks about it at night, staring up at the mobile he has hanging over his bed, the one that won him first prize in the eighth grade science fair, the same one that somehow locked in his dream to becoming an astronomer. It wasn't until he was in high school that he gave up on the idea of possibly actually _travelling_ into outer space. That was when he began to look into his dream as an actual career.

He turns over in bed, trying to determine if he has any clean slacks without rummaging in his closet. Minseok doesn't know if he can continue to really go to school. Something that he didn't want to tell his parents was how expensive it actually is to go to university. This is something he's been keeping to himself. His scholarships and grant money won't cover all of the costs in his particular program; he's overheard a lot of the others in his department express their fears with continuing school. He knows that he isn't the only one.  
Isn’t sure if it’s worth it anymore.

 

 

 

Minseok shows up half an hour late to the career center at his university; he's supposed to be meeting with an advisor to set up an interview for a paid internship. This doesn't look good, but he hopes the advisor takes pity on him when they see that Minseok had _tried_ to come well prepared, but his soggy clothes were a direct cause from missing the bus. Missing the bus, catching a late bus, and then ending up having to walk a mile to campus.

 

Minseok is having a pretty shitty day, and he honestly wants to give up, go back to bed, and probably just drop out of school now.

But here he is. Better late than never.

"Minseok Kim?" The advisor looks up at him when he knocks before entering her office. She's probably in her late fifties, and she's plump in a pleasant way. Her blue eyes are framed by wrinkled skin.

"Hi," Minseok cringes when he hears the wet soggy sound his shoes make when he walks inside. He places his backpack down with a thunk. He's glad that he had decided to leave his laptop at home.  
He really can't afford water damage.

"I was beginning to get worried that you weren't going to make it, please sit down," She says smiling. This is the first time Minseok has met with Professor Alazar, and he's infinitely grateful to whatever entity has made it so that she isn't angry. She hands him a few paper towels to help him dry off; she even goes as far as to offer him a cup of coffee from the small electric pot she keeps in her office.  
He accepts it gratefully, the wet clothes turning cold against his skin. He spends the next hour filling out paperwork, and she asks him general questions as he does so.

"So, Minseok," She pronounces his name incorrectly again.

"It's actually, Minseok," He enunciates, "it's a little difficult to say."

She thanks him and continues with what she was saying, pulling out a flier from out of one of the folders on her desk.

"There's a space program that is currently looking for students to participate in a sort of exchange program."

Minseok looks at her quizzically, "An exchange program?"

"Yes, and everything will be the same. The tuition will be the same as what you pay now, so you don't have to worry about a thing, but there's a bit of a catch. You can either go onto and work at one of their offices, or you can be screened to go onto one of the spacecrafts they're going to be launching."

Minseok quickly closes his mouth, "Go _into_ outer space? How is that even possible?"

She hands him the flier, pointing out what needs to be done, and the initial process of application.

"You'll be paid to work either way, so you won't have to worry about any extra expenses. You'll be taking the rest of your required upper division courses on location or on the ship. There are quite a few professors going from across the country."

"And this is a year long program?"

"Yes, an entire year, as in twelve months."

Minseok bites his lip, wiggling his toes inside his shoe. He still wants to go home, if only to change his wet socks. He’ll technically miss his graduation.

"I've been reviewing your records Minseok. Not only are you a good student, but you're a first generation college student. You're a shoo in for this program. Not to mention this would be a wonderful experience for you."

Minseok nods, thanking her for her help. She gives him a few more applications for a couple of other internships. None of them are as amazing at the one he's holding the flier for. She also makes sure to give him scholarships to apply for. Minseok's mind is already working ahead for what this implies. He decides to seriously think about it, taking the advisor's words into account. To heart.

 

 

 

 

Minseok waves his hand in front of him, clearing the hookah smoke from his immediate space.

"Why can't we hang out at somewhere else," Amber groans from beside him, "Why must I suffer."

Dongwoo inhales more of the hookah, passing it to Minseok. He doesn't usually smoke, but he does this time around.

"Because my apartment is dirty, and last time I checked, no one forced you to come," Dongwoo replies with a wide smile.

"I was going to invite you guys to mine, but someone puked on my bathroom floor last time and ate all of my food," Minseok looks pointedly at Dongwoo beside him.

"You must have me mistaken with someone else."

Amber rolls her eyes in unison with Minseok.

"So any luck with that guy you were talking to?" Minseok asks trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, I don't know, I lost interest," she looks at him, "how'd your meeting with the career center people go, any luck?"

Minseok reluctantly lets them know what the advisor had told him, detailing the space program he's thinking about applying for. They both seem a little surprised, in awe.

"So space, huh?" Dongwoo is slumped on the table, sleepily lolling his head, "I think you should try for the actual going to space part." Amber nods in agreement.

Minseok cocks his head, reaching for the bubble tea on his table. “You think so?” They nod again, overwhelming him with words of encouragement, and Minseok considers it.

 

It’s a week later after his meeting, and Minseok finds himself in a convenience store in the middle of the night. He had woken up, as if startled from sleep; Minseok can only remember bits and pieces of the dream he had been having.  
There had been an explosion, something sharp had nicked his face, but when he thinks about it now, hand brushing his cheek, he can’t feel a thing.

Just a dream, just a dream.

The fluorescent lighting of the convenience store makes him squint at the labels of the ice cream in the freezer section, but Minseok's stomach isn't up for the dairy anymore if he's being honest. He turns down another aisle, instead picking up a box of sleepytime tea. The bear on the front of the box looks incredibly peaceful, and he finds himself jealous. Minseok sighs, shuffling to the checkout counter.

"Will this be all?" The clerk says eyeing the lone box of tea he's placed on the counter.

"Yeah--" Minseok spots the magazine rack strategically placed to the side, and his eyes gravitate to the one proudly showcasing the Hubble space telescope on the front. "Actually," he smiles, "I'll take this too."

Back at home Minseok pores over the magazine, twenty five years of stunning image after image slide between his fingers on the glossy pages. It's incredible, all of it, the vastness and the beauty. The explosion of colors on the last image leave him almost breathless. Hundreds upon thousands of stars dot the photograph. There's a pleasant buzzing, the rising of goosebumps that cover the surface of his skin--Minseok doesn't know, but he wants to feel this more. If this is how he feels after just looking at an image, how would he feel after experiencing it first hand?

Minseok pours steaming water into a mug, and after ripping the packaging open, he sets a tea bag inside to steep inside.  
"Sleepytime," Minseok mumbles to himself, feeling his eyelids begin to droop, "sleepytime indeed."

 

 

 

"So what are you doing?" Dongwoo is standing in the doorway of Minseok's bedroom, hands settled deep inside of his pockets.

"Cleaning," Minseok huffs dumping clothes onto his bed, "I'm going to get rid of what I don't need or can't bring with me."

Dongwoo hums, eyes following him around the room. Minseok stands up straight, putting his hands on his hips, "I thought you came to help."

"In theory," Dongwoo's mouth curls a little, "But you seem to be doing a good job?"

Minseok groans, "You're a terrible best friend."

"I can help clean out your fridge."

"There's barely anything left, just a few cans of beer, some meat and--"

"Sounds like my kind of cleaning!" Dongwoo laughs, that awful loud laugh of his. It's warm, and it fills Minseok's now mostly empty apartment to the brim. Minseok can't help but find himself laughing too.

Dongwoo relents, and Minseok ends up with three different piles. There's the ‘things to put in storage’, ‘things to give away’, and the ‘things to take’. The pile with things Minseok will take with him is significantly smaller than he expected, and he's to be leaving for the east coast in a few days. The process to apply for this internship had been grueling, but after meeting with a representative of the program, Minseok had passed the initial process with flying colors. He won't pretend like he isn't nervous, his hands haven't stopped shaking in weeks, but he's also _exuberant_.

Amber comes by a few hours later with two boxes of pizza and spicy buffalo wings. She bursts through the door, blonde hair ruffled under her snapback.  
"I've come to save the day," she declares placing everything on the kitchen counter, "Except, Dongwoo can only eat if he doesn't talk too much."

"I'm sure the food can keep his mouth busy," Minseok opens one of the boxes, blowing on a slice before devouring the entire piece in four bites. He hadn't realized how hungry he had been this entire time.

"So guess what," Amber's grinning, "I stopped talking to that guy, and I have a date with one of his friends."  
Minseok is only kind of stunned, but he's relieved Amber has moved on to someone else. The last guy had been dragging his feet, and he had seemed to be hurting her too much.

"So who's the new guy?" Dongwoo says with half a chicken wing in his mouth.

"Actually it's a girl."

They're both quiet, but Dongwoo breaks the silence first.  
"We have to meet her before Minseok leaves," Dongwoo turns towards him, "Right Min?"

"Of course," Minseok grins around another bite. He's going to miss this much more than he had realized, but he swallows down the lump that is starting to form in his throat with a swig from Amber's beer. They pass out sometime around midnight in Minseok's living room. He worries that homesickness will get the best of him. He makes a fuzzy mental note to call home before his departure.

When Minseok had been first accepted into the program, he had immediately called his parents. He hadn't gotten an answer from the program advisor until a month later, so it had come as a bit of a surprise. His parents had been overjoyed, all but whooping and hollering over the telephone line. Minseok's friends had thrown him a party in celebration of his acceptance. Everyone seemed to be rooting for him, and it was an almost pressure, but Minseok found himself also cheering. This was his childhood dream becoming reality, manifesting itself in a completely different way. But all too real.

 

 

 

✶❊✶

Minseok's first few days at the space center have him experiencing small amounts of deja vu.  
It’s like starting university all over again, complete with being placed in dorms and everything. Minseok gets a room to himself, something about leaving space for those placed on a waiting list for the program. Those that were close to making it, but hadn't for one reason or another. He's only a little bit disappointed he's alone, because something about forced cohabitation makes for good friendship building. Or enemy making.

It’s all about the attitude, right? Glass half full instead of half empty.  
The first week at the facility is used for orientation, some people can get a feel of what might be to come. There are twenty of them, and that’s when it hits Minseok just how elite this is. Just how lucky he is to be occupying the desk he’s in. They’re split into two groups of ten on the second day, and they’re supposed to fill out paperwork. Medical histories, a Myer’s Briggs test, a fact sheet about himself and Minseok is left feeling more like he’s signing up for a dating site.

“What’s the point of this,” A guy sitting next to him mumbles when they’ve been sitting for a while.

"It's a psychology thing?" Minseok replies automatically. He doesn't bother looking up to see who the owner of the voice is.

"Yeah," they sigh.

Minseok keeps bubbling answers, he isn't the type to put down fake ones just because. The only physical pain he's currently suffering from is of the wooden pencil biting into the skin of his hand. So it wouldn't necessarily kill him to put effort into the questionnaires.  
He puts the pencil down when he finishes a page and stretches his hand in an effort to relieve the cramping.

"Tiring huh?" The same guy asks. Minseok finally looks up, and he's met with soft dark eyes, heavy lashes, and a mop of caramel brown hair in disarray.

"Yeah," Minseok replies easily, "you?" This same person is hunched over their desk, clothes completely rumpled. They tug on one of their earlobes before sitting up.

"I'm excited to be here and all, especially after the whole 'being put on a waiting list thing', but I just want to sleep," he finishes with a groan, "I'm Han Lu by the way."

"I'm Minseok Kim."

They both get back to work after exchanging a few more pleasantries.

 

 

Minseok decides to head back to his dorm after lunch. He had tried to look for Han Lu, but he was no where to be found. When he opens the door to his dorm, he almost cries out. It's as if a tornado has blown through, hurricane, or maybe a typhoon. But it's none of these things, there's a person lying in a nest of clothes the bed opposite of Minseok's. He gets closer and recognizes it as the person he had just been looking for. He grins, maybe they're supposed to be roommates now. Minseok tries to carefully put the guy's stuff neatly onto his side, and he collapses onto his own bed. He feels drained even though he hasn't done much of anything the past two days. It must be more or less emotional exhaustion.

Minseok wakes a little later to soft music, and the windows in his dorm are navy blue. How long did he manage to sleep?

"I think fate has brought us together again," a voice teases. Minseok dimly remembers seeing that he now had a roommate before passing out. He rolls onto his side so that he's facing the other bed.

"Hey," Minseok says sitting up, "you were asleep when I came in so I did the same thing. Took a nap I mean."

"I'm glad you weren't freaked out, I introduced myself earlier, but,” He pauses scratching his head, “you can call me Lu Han. I think it sounds better."

Minseok finds out that Lu Han had just come in that morning, which is why he had probably not moved into the dorm until lunchtime. They're to be here for about a month, one week of orientation, two weeks of training, and one week to prepare for their destinations. It's still only the very beginning, and Lu Han voices his worries. He had been placed on the waiting list, but he was the only one allowed in.

"Something about even numbers," Lu Han laughs when explaining. Minseok likes him a lot. He's easy to talk to, and like him, he's the product of his parents' hope and dreams. Another kid trying to navigate a world that isn't too kind to the diasporic experience.

He's a glass half full kind of person. Minseok has hope.

 

 

The training period turns out to be hell on Earth.

"We can't go easy on you all," one of the instructors says for the hundredth time that week alone, "We have to be sure of who can tough it out in space. It's a year long trip on a spacecraft. We can't really take any chances."

Minseok knows she's right, but his body is screaming out in pain. His brain feels like it's going to melt and trickle out of his ears, he wants to give up.

"This is great," A guy named Joonmyun Kim says, he's really tough even though he doesn’t look it. He's working on one of the simulators, the same one that Lu Han had previously been working on. Despite being naturally good at everything, Joonmyun doesn't really care whether or not he gets to go into space. He's more of the 'what happens happens' person, and Minseok finds himself admiring him. Unlike him though, Minseok has his heart set on travelling. He really feels like he can make it, and that pushes him to try harder. Lu Han is the same way. He's right alongside Minseok and does everything to the best of his abilities. Even if he suffers from crushing anxiety when they simulate a take off.

“I’m actually bad on planes,” he confides later that day. They’re in the cafeteria, just the two of them sitting together with bowls of corn chowder. Lu Han likes to drink soda, and Minseok had asked for a coke, but really that meant a sprite.

“I haven’t been to China in years because of the flight,” he continues. Lu Han was born there, Beijing, but his family had left when his dad had transferred positions at his job. Their experiences similar, but not quite the same when looking into the circumstances of their parents’ migration. Why they’re sitting right here, right now.  
The tiny details that set them apart. Its apparent in the clothes Lu Han wears, and the way he discusses his childhood in brief snippets of conversation.  
Minseok remembers the deep running lines in his father’s hands, deeper than the laugh lines around his mouth.  
It doesn’t work to sever their connection, if anything, Minseok feels the gap between himself and Lu Han closing everyday.

Their training is over as fast as it began. Minseok is too tired to celebrate, but he’s awake bright and early on Sunday morning. He’s successfully hauling Lu Han out of bed when there’s an announcement being made for everyone to head down to the ballroom. Lu Han is stumbling and grumbling behind Minseok and into a seat. He’s mumbling about Minseok being gentler next time.  
“You hit me,” Minseok repeats himself.

“I was asleep,” Lu Han hisses. He’s going to continue, but then the program director walks to the front of the room. There's a projector already humming in the background. He opens the ceremony with a joke that flops, and he launches into some brief history of the space program. Minseok notices for the first time that there happen to be a few people taking pictures. He rubs at his drooping eyes. He reaches over to smooth down a cowlick on Lu Han's head before settling into his seat again. Minseok is restless by the time the director finally gets to the important part.

"Today," he says standing straighter, "we will be announcing the results to everyone's training over the past two weeks. I know it was a tumultuous two weeks for everyone, and we're proud of all of you--"

Minseok can't hear the rest, because next thing he knows, Lu Han is fully awake, whooping and hollering beside him. Lu Han presses a warm wet kiss on his cheek, but Minseok can't do anything but sit there. They’re ushered to the front, flashing cameras blinding as people shake their hands.

Minseok and Lu Han are going into space.

 

They're quiet on their way back to their room, but Minseok changes their direction when he hears Lu Han's stomach growling. His body feels numb in a sort of pleasant way, but his left cheek is tingling in an odd not unpleasant way.

They're not the only ones going, there are three other people who were also chosen. Joonmyun was one of them, but he had requested they let him stay on site to work here instead right after the ceremony. That leaves only four out of the originally chosen five, and Minseok only knows Sojin, the engineering student. The last person must be the guy Lu Han had been talking to a few days ago. Minseok can't ever seem to remember his name. In the cafeteria area, people come up to congratulate them, a few of the staff members wish them luck. Tomorrow they're going to be getting ready to leave, because next week everything begins.

It suddenly hits Minseok, like a punch to his chest, the wind is knocked out of him. His life is about to change. He won't be part of life on Earth. Everything, everything will be different. An ocean apart from his family is incomparable to being light years away. They're to travel exoplanet, they're to be millions upon thousands of miles away. It's terrifying, exhilarating.

"Lu Han are you okay?" Minseok asks from the doorway to their room. Lu Han has been much quieter over the past few days. His entire demeanor completely different than it had been at the ceremony.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” He says in a voice so small, Minseok finds himself walking over immediately. Their friendship is still new. There are boundaries neither crosses, and that leaves Minseok hovering awkwardly where Lu Han is sitting on his bed.

"Why the sudden change?" Minseok tries asking gently, he hesitantly places his hand lightly on Lu Han's shoulder.

"I was just thinking how it's kind of a really big deal?" He says finally looking up. Minseok notices the slight puffiness under Lu Han's eyes. It feels like the room is suddenly too small.

"Well," Minseok finally responds, "it is. But you've worked hard for this Lu."

"I'm just being really..." He trails off, "I'm--" He huffs, blowing his hair out of his face. "It's kind of crazy, huh?"

Minseok nods, and he feels the tension seeping out of Lu Han's body. Lu Han sniffs, and he looks at Minseok with soft soft eyes.

The room continues to shrink. Minseok excuses himself after he's sure the other seems better.

"You're not allowed to run off," he says before making his way to the library.

"Cross my heart," Lu Han replies solemnly, crooked smile on his face.

 

 

 

"T-minus two days before lift off," Lu Han says when Minseok walks into the communal bathroom to brush his teeth.

"Stop talking," He grumbles before spitting in the sink. Everyone had decided to go out the night before, they would be officially beginning their assigned positions by the end of the week. They were also making up for the fact that they wouldn't be able to go out for an entire year.

So Minseok has a hangover.

The really awful kind that makes him irritable and angry that every single light is too damn bright. He takes an aspirin and leaves the facility with Lu Han in tow. They end up at what seems to be a mostly deserted mall. Minseok had suggested they take shopping lists, because Sojin had mentioned that everyone be organized. They finish picking up things they'll need rather quick, and Lu Han ends up inviting Minseok to lunch in the food court. They leave when it's dark outside.

There's only one day left, and Minseok calls home for the last time. His mom prays for him, and Minseok's dad tells him how proud he is. He feels homesickness for the people he knows weighing in on him.

 

 

There is a full crew gathered around on the day they're to go. Sojin stands off to the side, she's older and interacts with the fourth student going. His name, as Minseok later found out, is Leo Jung. He's soft spoken but polite. Their things have already been put on a separate cargo shuttle. They're going to be transported to a ship just outside of their solar system. The ability to go exoplanet a few years ago is something that would not have been possible. At least not in the span of half a day. They're going to be living close to Alpha Centauri, an entirely different star system than their own.

Lu Han is shaking when they're ushered onto the shuttle. It looks similar to a jet on the inside, just as compact, but with much more leg room. They're not allowed to have any electronics on while they're taking off; it's dangerous to have anything that could interfere with radio signals as they exit the atmosphere.

"I can't believe I haven't been to China in years," Lu Han begins as they're settling in, "but I'm leaving the _fucking_ planet."

"You're leaving the solar system too," Leo chimes in quietly, "you're going all the way I see."

Sojin bursts into nervous laughter, and everyone else joins in too. It helps to lighten the mood, but it doesn't last very long. Before they know it, there's an electronic voice going through safety instructions; the countdown hits zero and Minseok reaches for Lu Han's hand. He gives Minseok a half reckless smile.  
He’s just as scared as everyone else.

 

✶❊✶

 

 

There's silence surrounding him, it feels like his body is suspended. Thick warmth enveloping his limbs. This is not like anything he's experienced. Everything is suddenly deafening, quietly surrounding him. Someone is calling his name, but it sounds much too jumbled to be recognizable.

Who is he, what is he.

There's a light, a bright trembling white right in front of him. It glows with a warmth that makes him want to reach towards it. Bright, light, white nostalgia. It smells like nothing, but his skin is beginning to melt off of his bones.

"Minseok, Minseok?"

He remembers, he knows.  
Coherency.

His lids are heavy, as if someone has poured lead over the delicate skin, fusing his lashes together. Minseok wrenches his eyes open suddenly, squinting at the bright light being shined directly at him.

"You scared us for a second there, son," A man with graying brown hair says. He's part of the medical staff on the ship, because he had been ushered onto a different shuttle. Minseok figures he's in a medical examination room, because it smells like latex gloves. He’s starting to come back.

"You stopped _breathing_ ," Lu Han pops up from behind the doctor, "I almost started crying you, asshole."

Minseok believes him, because Lu Han’s eyes look puffy, and the tip of his nose is red. He feels a pang of guilt. And a twinge of embarrassment.

"Why--" Minseok tries to get up, but he feels a little bit dizzy when he's sitting.

The doctor explains that Minseok must've gone into shock. He had become unconscious while sleeping, something about his body going into survival mode at the last minute. It's terrifying to hear. Minseok has never had any medical troubles, and he almost panics again. They finally let him get up, and Lu Han excitedly tells him that they've already been transferred to the ship. He’s working hard to dispel any tension.

They reach their rooms, Minseok's directly across from Lu Han's. It's nice, like the kind of apartment Minseok can't afford. Everything is pristine and new looking. Incredibly modern.  
“You should lie down for a while,” Lu Han says leading him to a neatly made bed.

“But--” Minseok begins to protest. His head kind of hurts, like he’d fallen and hit it, but he wants to go and see what the rest of the ship is like. He hasn’t even had a chance to look outside any of the windows. He feels like he’s inside any other building, and it’s slightly unnerving if he thinks too long about it.

“Stay here, I’ll bring you something to eat. They’re going to be serving dinner soon,” Lu Han says gently pushing Minseok to lie down on his bed. Minseok decides to listen, and he lets the pain medication he was given before they left the doctor’s office wash over him.

Lu Han comes back half an hour later, two other people trailing behind him. It’s Leo and Sojin, holding their plates of food.

“I brought people,” Lu Han announces. He puts down the food, and Minseok figures Lu Han has already had time to check the rooms out, because he pulls out a table from the wall.

“Hi,” Sojin says, “are you feeling better?”

Minseok nods, sitting up, “Yeah, thanks.”

Leo quietly makes his way to the table, “Glad you’re better.”

Lu Han doesn’t let Minseok stand up, he brings a tray over and places the plate of food there. Minseok looks up at him through his hair.

“You’re mothering me,” he teases. Lu Han reaches down, smoothing the hair away softly.

“Eat,” he says before going to sit down. Minseok feels warm, but he begins to eat anyways. It’s delicious, much better than the food had been at the dorms. Sojin takes out a bottle of wine, but she doesn’t let Minseok have any. Leo sneaks him a glass anyway, and Lu Han begins to protest when he realizes Minseok is drinking. The mood is really good, much better than they could’ve hoped for. Everyone finally trickles to their rooms, stuffed and kind of drunk. He can’t tell, but Minseok thinks it must be late anyway.

“What time is it?” Minseok asks Lu Han who’s spread out on the floor. Minseok has yet to leave his room, but he doesn’t feel as antsy as he did a few hours ago.

“Um,” Lu Han rolls onto his stomach and brings his wrist up to look at his watch, “1am….I think.”  
“I’m not sleepy,” Minseok groans, “I just wanna burn up some energy.”

“No,” Lu Han whines back at him, “sleep.”

“ _You_ can sleep,” Minseok stands up and he feels a little tipsy, alcohol pleasantly running through his body, “ _I_ want to explore.”

He slips on his shoes to head out, and he feels Lu Han follow right behind him, tapping his shoulder. Minseok turns around and is met with a smug expression.

“You don’t know where anything is,” Lu Han says holding out a small square device. It looks like a miniature sized tablet, but when Lu Han presses a button, the screen lights up and a map of the ship appears. He presses a second button on the screen this time and it turns into a hologram. Minseok has seen these before, but he’s never used one himself. The image is steady, and doesn’t flicker like it had on the older models he’s seen.

“Where’d you get this?” Minseok asks in awe.

“I actually got it from home,” he says shrugging, “you’ll get one from the staff tomorrow though.”  
Minseok decides not to ask anymore questions when Lu Han lets an uncomfortable expression fall across his face. It’s not his business, but he’s still a little thrown off. There have been plenty of instances where Minseok has felt like Lu Han is keeping something from him, but he never likes to push. It’s not like when Lu Han had confessed his fears of flying, this is something much more serious. Minseok doesn’t know if he even wants to know.

He decides to smile.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”

“I’m kind of sleepy--”

Minseok pushes his bottom lip out, “I had a medical scare and you don’t even want to care for me.” He’s hitting a nerve, because he sees how Lu Han perks up slightly. He’s cautious with his teasing.

Still new, still new.

 

"Fine," Lu Han concedes, "but that means I'll have to spend the night too."

"You can sleep on the floor," Minseok's stomach lurches a little, bringing a hand up to his mouth.

“Come on,” Lu Han says grabbing his arm, “you haven’t gotten used to the gravity here, it’s like seasickness--”

“I’ve never been on a boat,” Minseok replies between deep breaths. His stomach is starting to settle, but he still feels unsteady on his feet. Lu Han urges Minseok to lean on him. He leads Minseok outside of the room, they head down the hall and come upon a glass elevator.

Minseok thinks about Willy Wonka, and he suddenly gets a craving for chocolate. Fleeting. His stomach churns.

Lu Han’s weight against him is warm, stable. Strong, he smells a little of their leftover food. Like sweat too.

"So where are we headed to?" Minseok asks as the elevator pings, waiting for them to input a floor number.

Lu Han just hums, not saying anything. Minseok’s stomach feels weird again, he’s light headed. By the time he exhales, the elevator has pinged again, and the doors open.  
Minseok hadn’t even felt the elevator move. Lu Han guides him out of the glass elevator and into a dimly lit hallway. The floor is covered in industrial carpeting, walls a cool pale green. It reminds him of the tender spring onions his mom loves to eat. The hologram in Lu Han’s hand shifts to show their current location.

Minseok always pictured the inside of this and any space station as looking more like the one Zenon lived on in those Disney movies. This is nothing like that. He’s feeling a little better--

“Why are you completely fine?” Minseok asks, studying Lu Han’s face.

“We were given some medicine to help, like that airborne stuff, but you can’t have any,” Lu Han grins, a shit eating grin. Minseok weakly punches him in the arm. Lu Han does the pouting this time, whining about lack of appreciation. They continue down the hall, coming to a stop in what seems to be a lobby area.

It's a wide open space with a large window covered by a screen. There are a few couches around the window, set up as if it was a living room.

"Is this--" Minseok rushes over, but he stumbles. The room begins to spin and his legs are heavy. Lu Han is suddenly next to him, holding him up. He gently guides him to the window, a hand on Minseok's hip. His stomach is warm, hipbone on fire. It burns. Minseok shakes his head, trying to even out his breathing for a completely different reason. His cheeks burn when Lu Han's breathing hits his ear.

 

"This is an observation area," Lu Han whispers. The screen lifts, and Minseok's skin breaks out into goosebumps. Lu Han's fingertips ghosting down his bare arm, but the view.

The view is breathtaking.

He is overwhelmed, and a loud crashing nostalgic wave hits him. It washes over him, the taste of honeysuckle thick on his tongue. He almost forgets his surroundings.

Minseok isn’t ten, makeshift telescope pressed into his fingers--gone. It’s a memory

“Look,” Lu Han’s gentle voice brings him back, and Minseok’s staring into something he can’t even begin to process.

It’s overpowering, all consuming darkness, but there are hundreds upon thousands--millions of stars in the distance. He’s trembling when in their orbit enters a comet, he can see the Sun. Minseok sees the swarms of space dust, but the neverending black of the universe is what he realizes scares him.

He suddenly feels a need to go back home.

“It’s kind of scary,” Lu Han admits, “I--” He trails off. Minseok sucks in a shuddering breath. Everything is all too real, and the romance of this profound place, something that exists. He's shaking.

"Vertigo," Minseok says steadying himself, pressing too far back into Lu Han. A hand on the glass. He expects to be pushed gently so that he's standing, even just a little. Lu Han presses in instead; Lu Han is acting as a pillar to Minseok. His back pressing into him.

Minseok feels fluttery.

"Let's go sit down," Lu Han says taking his hand, "you need some water."

Lu Han probably thinks that Minseok is only clammy, because he's overwhelmed by the view. He doesn't realize how he's slowly affecting Minseok.

Minseok himself tries to dispel the odd feeling. He's probably reacting to suddenly being in a new place, or the difference in gravity. His head hurts.

"Where to next?" He asks Lu Han. There are worry lines creasing his face, the beginnings of crow's feet around his eyes, crinkling.  
Minseok reassures that he's alright, really.

A hand on the other's upper arm. The gesture is almost too stiff.

"Show me something else," he says, putting a lot of energy into his smile.

 

Minseok ends up finding out that the small agriculture office, and the synthetic field of bright green grass are his favorite things. Outside of the office he's been promised, of course. Lu Han shows him how they're trying to develop the growth of vegetation on Mars. On new planets they're trying to find.

 

Minseok's head finally hits his pillow a few hours later, dirt under his nails. He didn't think being light years away would make him suddenly appreciate something as simple as this.

"The amazing thing is," Lu Han had said, eyes shining bright, "is that we all come from the same things. The same substance, our basic needs are the same. We were created so long ago--"

And Minseok realizes foggily, that maybe this aching feeling, is just a basic need too.

 

He can't though.

"No," he says turning to his side.

"No what?" Lu Han's quiet voice asks. He had acted upon his earlier demand to sleep on Minseok's floor.

But Minseok's already fast asleep.

 

 

 

 

✶❊✶

Time is regulated so that their bodies are monitored by a twenty four hour time frame each day. The first few days, they're allowed to wander around freely. The days stay the same, and they have the weekends to do what they want. There are enough people on the ship to constitute it as a small town, everyone knows everyone, but you don't get tired of it.  
The first few months pass easily, they each have their own routines; school, work, alone time, and socializing. There are days when Minseok goes through his own schedule, but will leave for independent study. He goes to the observatory and writes down everything.

He observes, skin still tingling like it had that first day. Minseok doesn’t think he’ll ever really get over the sight, but he always finds himself putting in the coordinates to locate Earth.

Lu Han will sometimes wander in, sitting, not saying anything as he reads or draws in a small notebook. His department focuses on developing agriculture based outside of Earth. They’ve been testing and cataloguing different seeds recently. Lu Han always likes to pocket a few to show Minseok. He gets excited, pointing out how they’ll grow.

He had come in a few days ago covered in bee stings. Minseok had felt bad for him. Gingerly applying some oatmeal based ointment.

Minseok's been sitting in the same position for almost an hour, leg asleep, he gets up and jumps up and down for while. Lu Han would have made fun of him by now, but he continues to draw. Eyebrows furrowed.

"Whatcha drawing?" Minseok asks, walking closer. It feels like thousands of needles are being pressed into his leg.

"Flowers," Lu Han says, "constellations."

There are single sketches covering his paper, diagrams of the stars as the backdrop to the curling flowers. Delicate petals.

"I miss home," Lu Han whispers this time around, "there are some plant species they've been thinking may have come directly from a planet outside of our solar system, new ones."

Minseok hums, he's heard that theory before, plants having been pollinated, but only being able to thrive on Earth. Or in greenhouses.

"You learn anything new?" Lu Han asks, diverting the conversation. Minseok has realized that the closer he feels himself getting to Lu Han, the more he avoids, less he reveals. It's almost unsettling, almost but not quite. Minseok tries to understand.

His mom always taught him to be patient.

Minseok gestures for Lu Han to follow him, the telescope set up in this small observation room is worth millions of dollars, and that always makes him nervous. He sits Lu Han on the stool, fixing the height and the magnitude of the telescope. He gently places it near Lu Han's face. His hand brushes the swell of the other's cheek. There's a light coloring that dusts the tops of Lu Han's cheeks when it happens.

"Earth?"

"Yes, now," and Minseok changes the telescope again, "it's a little star cluster I found a few days ago. It hasn't been documented yet, so I can name it whatever I want," Minseok says.

"Name it after me," Lu Han says smiling up at him. Perfect small nose sloping in a way that makes Minseok look away. He's joking, but Minseok would consider.

"Never," he laughs instead.

A white lie. Really. He would definitely.

And it’s easy, easy.

Because Lu Han looks away, biting down a smile.

 

Minseok eats lunch with Sojin. She's always trailing behind quiet Leo, urging him to eat better. They’re a two for one deal, because they happen to be in the same engineering department so they're always near one another. Whispering about something.  
Lu Han sometimes eats with them. Some people in his department speak Mandarin, and he's confessed to missing his native tongue. Minseok understands. He knows not to be jealous; emotions are something that cannot be helped sometimes.

They’ll usually play soccer together, the four of them, two against two. Lu Han and Leo are the two most closely matched in skill. Sojin is a force to be reckoned with, and maybe that's why they beat him and Lu Han. Minseok pretends to bicker with Lu Han, Leo watching with a delighted look on his face. Sojin teases them, calling them cute.  
Any other time Minseok would quiet down, shyly look away. But he bumps Lu Han with his shoulder, forcing them to catch each other's eye.  
And his words settle a little too thickly onto his tongue.

"I'm glad you exist," Minseok mumbles, clumsily, when they're walking back to their rooms. Its unspoken agreement that they go their separate ways sometimes. Too much contact is stressful, and Minseok likes to cherish the moments he spends in anyone's company.

Over saturation is cause for irritability.

He's never gotten into a real argument with Lu Han anyway, but they bicker every once in a while. They’re honest when needed, and Minseok is happy to have that connection.

"Me too," Lu Han replies, but it seems like an almost confession. And Minseok doesn't know if that's what he's actually looking for. If this is what he wants out of this. He’s unsurety, probably misguided feelings.

He smiles, ducking into his room, and he relaxes when he hears the sound of Lu Han's door closing too.  
Heart hammering away at his rib cage.

Lu Han's gravitational pull becomes stronger and stronger with the passing days.  
It just happens to be that Minseok is vibrating, core thrumming.

 

✶❊✶

 

 


	2. la tímida aurora de tus células

  


✶❊✶

 

 

 

It’s a quiet Saturday, afternoon according to the clock in the hallway. He knocks on Lu Han’s room, but there’s no answer. Minseok wonders if he’s working today too. He still manages to get lost sometimes, but after a quick look at the hologram, he remembers exactly where Lu Han’s office is located. He takes the elevator to the topmost level, making a left at the exit. He passes by a group of people, they're probably on their way to go eat. They wave at him when Minseok slips past them, but he's too distracted to do anything except nod. The small office Lu Han was given is at the very end of the hall.  
Minseok stops at the door when he sees it's open slightly. He peeks inside, and sure enough, Lu Han is sitting at a workbench, hunched over, head low. Minseok knocks lightly, laughing a little when he sees Lu Han jump in surprise.

"Stalking?" Lu Han relaxes when he sees Minseok, "I didn't expect this from you. Does this make me the pretty love interest or?"

Minseok just rolls his eyes, pushing inside. Lu Han has taken recently to teasing him more. He doesn't exactly hate it if he's being honest. The lighting is dimmed, because of the little heated bulbs set up on the worktable. There are glass vials too, measuring utensils, and goggles. Minseok forgets that Lu Han's own field involves a lot of biochemistry too. His own involves math, but it's always the same set of formulas, differing data and answers all situational. He takes a seat next to Lu Han, watching him write down numbers, placing what seems to be a thermometer into a container with dirt.  
"I'm checking oxygen levels," his answer comes to Minseok's unspoken curiosity.

"Ahh," Minseok replies distracted. Lu Han's movements are precise, small but sure. There's concentration causing his eyebrows to furrow, and there are little indentions in his nose. Minseok files this observation away. He's fascinated.

"You kind of look like this too," Lu Han says finally putting his things down, "when you're working, your face crinkles up."

Minseok touches his face, fingers trying to feel for any premature wrinkles.

"Don't worry," Lu Han pokes his cheek with an ungloved hand, "it's pretty cute. I mean I guess, if you're into the sparkly love interest thing--" Lu Han finishes awkwardly, turning away. He even forces a cough.

Minseok lets his laughter fill the room, and Lu Han turns back to him. He's laughing too, entire body reacting to his facial expressions. He's not exactly pretty when he laughs, but it's contagious and it fills Minseok with warmth.  
"When I was little," He's hiccuping from laughter, "I would always play around in my backyard, well kind of, see we didn't have anywhere to live so I would spend a lot of time collecting 'space dirt', I got in trouble for selling it at school. At least they didn't take away the money I had made. It was like ten bucks."  
Minseok grins, "So you were a con artist as a kid?"

"Barely," Lu Han's words are a half yawn, "my dad lost his job after the company went bankrupt, and even though I was like what," he pauses counting his fingers, "Ten? I wanted to help out." His eyes are a little glazed over with remembering, voice the tiniest bit wet.

"Did you guys--" Minseok tentatively follows up with a question. Lu Han has never talked about his feelings. Things that creep close to who he is, where he comes from besides the satisfactory preamble to an introduction. It isn't hard to guess how Lu Han _feels_ most of the time, but it is difficult to know what's behind all of it. Minseok isn't that talkative either, but with Lu Han, it feels like he's opened up. A lot more than he's used to, but always at his own pace. Maybe Lu Han was waiting for Minseok to push him a little.

"Did we get better?" Lu Han looks at him directly, profile outlined in the dimness, hands in his pockets. He's retreating a little, back into himself. He tilts his head back, as if the ceiling might hold the answers. Or maybe it's the universal, asking the heavens for a helping hand. Past the Earth's atmosphere, no blue sky in sight-- it's just eternal darkness. It's hard to imagine gods even exist. A god willing. A god that is good.

"Yes," Lu Han breathes, "but my parents are back in Beijing. Living the in the lap of luxury. A real Christmas miracle, you know?"

And there's a strange bitterness to his words.

"But I'm living," Lu Han's voice returns to it's previous lightness, "living. I try to understand, but it's hard when I can't talk to them, I guess."  
Minseok nods by default, but he can only try to sympathize. He gets along with his parents, and they've always shown him support. The difference has, and probably will always be, is that him and Lu Han have fundamentally different lived experiences.

But that's part of the human experience. Right?

Lu Han starts putting thing away, Minseok watches him, scampering back and forth, fussing with everything.

"So why this?" Minseok finally asks. They've never talked about this, and Minseok wants to know. He also likes the way Lu Han's voice sounds. When he's talking without any care for who might listen. He always makes Minseok feel like they're the only ones existing in that instant.

"I don't know," Lu Han laughs, suddenly shy, "I think the Atlantis was sent to space when I was about five. We were still in China at the time."

Minseok tries to not smile, "Me too."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm," Minseok smiles to himself. He doesn't exactly believe in things like destiny, but he does think coincidences happen in the oddest ways. He just doesn't like the idea of being tied to a path, not having a choice in what he wants to do. He thinks it's silly, almost.

“I’m glad then,” Lu Han quietly answers.

 

 

✶❊✶

 

 

 

 

Minseok is sitting by himself in one of the dining areas, but he isn’t having a very good day. He had woken up too late, missed a class, and now there’s a sour feeling settled into his stomach. It’s ominous, the kind that meant he was going to get in trouble as a kid. Leo and Sojin are oddly missing, their company would’ve been comforting. Lu Han is no where to be seen.

Max makes his way over to him, taking the seat next to Minseok’s. He’s all smiles, one of the seniors in his department--handsome if Minseok wants to admit it. Minseok has talked to Lu Han about him, the respect and admiration. It’s hard to keep out of his voice. Their interactions are limited to Minseok sitting in on the lectures he sometimes gives.

"If you like him so much, why don't you talk to him?" Lu Han had suggested. Advice with too much bite.

Minseok had felt it, and after Lu Han had begun to open up, it’s easier to read his intentions. The smiles, always loud and open laughter--easy to see the tiredness in his eyes too.

"Hey, is it okay if I sit here?" He asks now, already taking the spot. Minseok holds his breath almost too nervous. And Max talks, a lot. He's the kind of person who asks questions to further his own praises. Its a little mind numbing, but Minseok can't even get a word in. Tiresome.

He thinks about leaving, but Lu Han shows up then.

"Hey," He says sitting right across from Minseok. He's sweating, wrist swollen.

"I'm Max," he says introducing himself, not really waiting for Minseok to do so.

"Lu Han," Lu Han returns in lieu of introduction, giving Max his hand.

"Is your wrist okay?" Minseok is already reaching over, placing his fingers over the swollen limb. He sees the wince.  
"Bees."

Minseok’s glad Lu Han isn't allergic. He make them head back to Lu Han's room after he notices the discomfort. A quick apology to Max, who waves them off with a smirk.

"I don't think bees like you."

"But you like me," he says, turning shining eyes on Minseok. He's adamant about not looking at the sun directly, but Lu Han always has to be the exception. He sneaks a look back at Lu Han, but he's looking down at Minseok applying the ice to his wrist. His hair is really soft looking today. He must've showered that morning. Lu Han asks him about his day, but he doesn't push when he realizes Minseok's mood.  
"Let's do something tonight."

Minseok finds himself agreeing. Stomach still twisting.

 

Life on the ship has become the most natural thing to exist in. It had been relatively easy to adjust, but it’s also easy to miss the smallest of things. Minseok can't open a window when he's feeling particularly claustrophobic, he misses fall bike rides, taking the bus, and sometimes he misses people too. That in and of itself is hard, but he manages with the occasional skype calls.

Other times he wants to take an emergency pod and launch himself deeper in space. Absolute deafening silence, absolute quietness--alone.

But that feeling is rare, passing, because it only happens when he finds sleep slipping away.

The management team of the ship hosts different events. They try to simulate things from Earth for when everyone is done with work or classes. It's something to create a sense of normalcy. If he steps away and thinks about it, Minseok finds the entire thing extremely surreal. There are also things like movie showings and festivals. Minseok has gone to so many because of Lu Han. He isn't social, but he seems to get easily restless.

"Ready?" He's standing outside of Lu Han's door. He had decided to dress up nicer than usual by wearing black jeans and a cardigan over a tshirt. Minseok's hair has also grown out, so he's taken to pulling it up in on top of his head. Sojin calls him an apple head when he does it. She's almost like an older sister a lot of times.

"Cute," Lu Han says as soon as he steps out of his room, flicking the little nub on Minseok's head. He's also dressed better than usual, but his hair still falls across his eyes a little bit. Minseok catches a whiff of aftershave.

He presses his lips together, teeth cutting in slightly to the inside of his cheek. Sweaty palms.

It feels almost like a date.  
He almost expects Lu Han to hold his hand, but the other only gently pushes him forward. Warm hand settling at the dip of his back.

This is surreal too.

The festival is in full swing when they finally get there. It almost reminds Minseok of one of the campus fairs they do back at home. There are tables set up everywhere with food, drinking games, and people showing off their research. Minseok looks around, it could honestly be a carnival for kids if it wasn't for the adult themed games involving alcohol. And lack of children on the spaceship. He looks down when Lu Han nudges him, realizing parts of the floor are completely transparent. Class open to the void beneath. Lu Han never fails to steady him.

"What is this festival for anyways?" Minseok asks, looking for a sign signifying what's being celebrated.

"I'm offended you don't know," Lu Han says, "the agriculture department is doing this. RIght now the northern hemisphere is experiencing the autumnal equinox. Which means harvesting."

Minseok can't believe he's forgotten, "Whoops," he says meekly.

"That means you're buying me food," Lu Han’s tone full of disdain.

They end up at a corn dog stand, and Minseok begins to visibly salivate over the smell. It smells delicious, and it reminds him of going to the fair with his parents when he was a kid.

"Too bad you don't look at me that way," Lu Han pretends to pout, teasing Minseok at the same time, "you're honestly going to cause a flood if you don't close your mouth."

But his stomach growling really takes the bite out of his words. Minseok buys them corn dogs and takes care to wipe the mustard from Lu Han's chin when he drips it everywhere. They've gotten a lot more comfortable around one another. Minseok barely notices their proximity anymore, but sometimes the heat radiating off of Lu Han is startlingly hot hot hot.

"You're eyes are really pretty," Lu Han says suddenly, "Um, don't take this the wrong way but--" He takes another bite from his corndog, semi-ferocious in his chewing, "they're kinda like the same color as Mercury in the light right now." His mouth has too much food in it, and Minseok watches him wince when he swallows.

"So space dirt," Minseok deadpans, wondering if his face is red. Can anyone hear them?

"But prettier--"

"You're bad at this," Minseok says suddenly. It's almost as if everything has been building up to this exact moment, and they both are just now trying to make sense of their friendship. It's kind of embarrassing. What's probably more amusing is how casually it's going. If the burning of Lu Han's ears can be counted as such.

"I am," Lu Han says, "but I can only get more embarassing from here on out." He's pressing the sides of his face with his free hand.

They go around to the other attractions set up, standing closer than usual, than right before they had eaten. Minseok ends up talking to someone about the cluster of stars he had found a month or so ago. He still doesn't know what to call it. Lu Han shows him a collection of flowers that look vaguely like someone had crossed orchids and venus flytraps together, the petals almost metallic. Lu Han buys him one. They're from crossing flowers found on Mars a few years ago, he explain a little later.

They end the night together, Minseok having had more fun than he'd thought. They pass by the observation area again, the one Lu Han had shown him the very first night, but there's a couple sitting there. One of them has their head resting on the other's shoulder. Minseok begins pulling Lu Han away, it feels like they're intruding.

The moment is achingly intimate.

"Wait," Lu Han whispers, "look, over there."

Minseok begins to protest, but he looks to where Lu Han is pointing to the corner of the window. It's probably the position that the ship is currently orbiting, but there's something bright off in the distance. It's strangely nostalgic, a dim muted red, almost a soft salmon around the edges. Hazy space dust haloing it lightly.

Lu Han's hand brushes against his own, side presses in closer.

Gold dust seems to be covering everything in a thin film.

This moment is a slow burn, melting into his memory.

 

 

 

He begins to search for the cloud Lu Han had shown him every chance he gets. He puts in coordinate after coordinate trying to locate it. Minseok even makes it a point to go to a different observation room, checking on the telescopes there. Leo bumps into him, and when Minseok asks, he begins to stumble with his words. Minseok is able to put two and two together--that couple last night must’ve been Leo and Sojin. They’re always together, and Leo remembers seeing the same thing. He doesn’t pry for details, because his biggest concern is the space cloud. Not even a trace, no matter where he looks.

It’s nowhere to be found.  
It’s as if it had been just a figment of their imagination.

✶❊✶

 

Minseok is spending more and more time by himself. Everyone is busier lately, and he ends up wandering around more than anything else. He's been collecting data on his star clusters, cataloguing each one based on calculated size and brightness, that are located there. He took an image of them to see if he could see anything in it. If it reminds him of anything.  
He's drawing a blank.

He puts the printed image in a folder, and Minseok ends up reorganizing his entire office. The private observation room isn't that big anyway, but cleaning serves as useful busy work. His laptop pings suddenly, someone has sent him a message. He never gets any, unless it's from the department head or sometimes Leo sends him pictures of hamsters. They're always captioned as “found this picture of you”. He isn’t as offended as he is amused. Lu Han had put him up to it anyway.

Minseok is surprised to see its from Lu Han himself. Usually if they have anything to say, they wait to say it in person. He opens the message and is met with a confusing set of words.

_today we went to one of the serious observation decks. it was amazing. I wish you'd been there_

Minseok doesn't know how to respond, except, _lets go sometime together_

Lu Han replies immediately. _maybe, but if you're here, you'll easily outshine everything else. You're stellar_

Minseok closes his laptop and continues cleaning. He can't suffer from shock. Lu Han _is_ really embarrassing.

 

 

 

In Minseok's lecture on Friday he can't concentrate. They're discussing supernovae and their connection to black holes popping up recently, but there's an insistent message begging to be read on his laptop. He doesn't want to open it, knowing it's from Lu Han.

He clicks. He’s curious.

They've been holding true to form. He sends little things. Small messages ranging from truly embarrassing to cute and thoughtful.

Minseok hates it.

_you're ethereal, a pretty existence._

 

His chest is full of thick wadded cotton.

 

Lu Han comes over a week later, they haven't had a chance to really hang out in what seems to be forever. Minseok knows it’s only really been a couple of weeks.

"I hate your messages," Minseok's smile is a clear indication that his words mean the exact opposite.

Lu Han's eyes trail the contours or his face, "You remind me of the sun you know."

Minseok's eyebrow quirks. His chest hammering.

"I can't seem to look away," He finishes.

 

Minseok's doesn't know the exact moment it happened, but he's found himself reaching for Lu Han. It wasn't planned, and it was definitely before all of _this_ , but Lu Han.  
Lu Han's eyes, they sparkle, Minseok is aching--there are stars here.

But Lu Han swears that Minseok's being encompasses galaxies beyond reach.  
It’s the worst way to make someone fall head fast into something unexpected.

 

 

✶❊✶

 

 

 

Lu Han kisses Minseok first, outside of their rooms. It's been six months since they’ve stepped on solid ground. It’s been so long. Minseok reacts quickly, pressing Lu Han against the door to his room. Minseok tastes dinner on his tongue, but he doesn't hold back, sliding his hands up the other's sides. Lu Han manages to open the door, reaching his arm behind him to turn the doorknob. He lets them stumble inside, not breaking contact. Minseok's room is usually where they hang out, because Lu Han invites himself over all too much.

Except today, because today is out of the ordinary.

Lu Han's room is a different story, they rarely come in here together. He pulls Minseok inside, pressing him against the inside of his door.Lu Han kisses down his neck with a fervor so intense, Minseok is waiting to catch on fire.

"Lu Han," Minseok gasps out when he feels a thigh between his legs. The pressure feels good, but he places a hand on Lu Han's chest.

"Sorry," Lu Han says, eyes glazed over as he pulls away. His mouth is swollen, pink. Minseok pulls him in for another kiss, a swipe of his tongue on the other's bottom lip. He lazily pushes his tongue inside, brushing along teeth, sucking on Lu Han's bottom lip before pulling away. It's red.

Lu Han brushes his hand along his nose, thumbs fluttering over cheekbones.

"You act as if I could break any second."

Lu Han laughs lightly at the words, ducking in to nose into Minseok's neck. He shivers when Lu Han's lips brush along his Adam's apple, pulling his head gently back to allow him easier access.  
"I think I'm in love with you," Lu Han says. His hands continue to map out every part of Minseok's face, stopping every now and then to kiss a different part. Lips tracing over the dips and valleys. He’s memorizing him, committing Minseok to memory.

Butterfly kisses on his eyelids have Minseok aching. He feels like his body is going to crack.

"You're gorgeous," Lu Han kisses right under his earlobe, "stunning, beautiful," he's mumbling at the corner of his mouth now.  
Minseok's breathless.

"You're cosmic, Minseok Kim," Lu Han is kissing his knuckles, "I swear, I feel like you might slip away from me."

And there's almost a bittersweetness to those words. Something not quite forgotten. Lu Han's eyes are crystal clear, every word, every touch.

Genuine sincerity.

Minseok wraps his arms around Lu Han's neck, closing the space between them. They're nose to nose. He feels suddenly too vulnerable, much more scared than he was when they'd boarded the shuttle. Except he can't go back now, there aren't any take backs. Minseok presses on.  
"I think I might be in love--"

Lu Han crushes him into a hug. Chest against chest. They're both shaking, and Minseok's back is beginning to hurt where he's pressed into the door.

“Do you wanna spend the night in here today?” Lu Han tentatively asks, “I mean--”

Minseok nods, disappearing to his room to get ready for bed. He makes a move to set up on the floor when he’s back, but Lu Han ends up lying down next to him.

Minseok turns to his side, eyes tracing the faint silhouette of Lu Han’s form. His eyes are still adjusting to the darkness. Minseok leans in anyway, pressing his lips to Lu Han’s. The other’s quiet sigh makes him press in a little more. Lu Han drapes his arm over his waist, touch light.

“Good night,” Lu Han whispers into his hair. Minseok hums in response, fitting perfectly under Lu Han’s chin.

 

Lu Han is in Minseok’s office, a few pictures spread out before him. He's marking them up with a red marker, looking at them intently, but he loses concentration when he looks up. Only to lock eyes with Minseok.  
“Sorry,” he says meekly, rubbing at his neck, “I should’ve messaged you before--”

Minseok shakes his head, placing a few notebooks onto his desk. He doesn't mind if Lu Han is the one here. But Minseok nudges him out of his chair and sits down.  
“I just took my final,” he sighs, “you ever forget this is technically an exchange program? We’re in school.”

Lu Han nods, coming up behind him. His hands find their way to Minseok’s shoulders, gently massaging into the tense muscle. Minseok rolls his head, groaning at how nice it feels to have his fingers smoothing the knots out.

He kisses the top of Minseok’s head, “I can make you feel better,” he whispers. It’s kind of filthy the way his words lick around the edges of his hazy tiredness.

“Yeah?” MInseok leans his head back, looking up at Lu Han, “Can you?”

“Maybe,” Lu Han says, “I dunno,” his smile is coy, placing a lone kiss right on Minseok’s adam’s apple. “So that star cluster of yours, can I see it?”

Minseok is too excited to fully feel the whiplash, or the ache, because he jumps out of his chair to get his folder. He pulls out his neatly made charts, pictures, and spreads them out before Lu Han.  
"Can I trace over this?" He asks, but Lu Han is already tearing out a sheet of paper from his notebook. Minseok gives him the okay, and Lu Han lays the sheet of paper over the picture. He begins to quickly start connecting the dots together. The major ones stand out the brightest beneath the translucent paper. Minseok watches the lines begin to take shape. Lu Han had looked at the picture thoughtfully when Minseok had shown it to him the other day, but he hadn't expected any actual interest to come out of it. He's glad Lu Han had taken kept thinking about it, because there's a knot beginning to form in his stomach. It's anticipation. He can't wait to see what it's supposed to be.

"So," Lu Han says, "there are these little flowers," he slips the paper off, juxtaposing the images next to each other. "They're called starbursts."

"I like that," Minseok says looking at the image, "It looks just like my stars!"

"Yeah," Lu Han says suddenly shy, "I--I had been organizing some books in the library, and I--I saw those and they reminded me of you--"

They're quiet.

Minseok shivers suddenly.

"Have you thought about what you'll do when we get back?" Minseok finds himself suddenly asking.

"Well," Lu Han looks away, "I've--I'm not sure."

"Me neither."

There's a heaviness to their words.

"We don't go to the same university," Minseok has his back turned as he says this. He isn't very good at the talking and looking Lu Han in the eyes thing.

"I'll be done in a few months," Lu Han offers, "I've thought about it a little, and I don't know if I can move to space permanently."

"Mhm," he hums, "I'll be done too. But I've actually, um, I've considered the job offer. I just don't really think it's for me."

Lu Han cocks his head to the side.

They smile when they lock gazes, a half kind of recklessness that doesn't belong in this instant. This isn't the time, not in the quiet, in this stop motion, stuttering. Minseok picks up all of the papers, quickly placing them back into the folder on his desk. A few days ago, they had been rounded up, all of the students who were there for the program. They'd been brought into an imposing room, and Minseok had been upset it was so cold. That annoyance had dissolved when they'd been told they would all be promised permanent spots if they so chose this as their career paths.

Minseok had thought he could do it, but he doesn't think he actually could. He misses the small things, the little mundane things that come with living on Earth. He thinks about the friends he's made here too, Sojin and Leo, but they seem to be intent on coming back. Extra training would be necessary.

Minseok reaches out to Lu Han.

Smoothly, that's how everything seems to fit for them.

"I need to take these to my department head," Minseok finally breaks the moment. He feels like he's been sitting in the same position for a really long time. "I think it should be good. Do you want to get half of the credit? You did think of a name. I have all of the data and stuff ready--"

Lu Han stands up, pulling him in by the waist, "This is your baby, I only helped you name it. I could hardly call that getting any credit, besides," Lu Han backs up, sitting into the chair, Minseok in his lap. This is singlehandedly the last thing Minseok wants to remember doing in this office. Lu Han is pressing his nose into Minseok's back, snuffling. It tickles, and Minseok can't stop squirming until he feels Lu Han's unmistakable erection poking under his thigh. He wriggles a little bit, hearing Lu Han muffle a groan into his back.

"You're really pathetic," Minseok teases, "getting _hard_. Here of all places."

"It's your fault," Lu Han whines, "you have to fix this."

Minseok twists so that his ass is pressing directly where it has Lu Han whimpering.

"You're so mean."

 

But Lu Han waddles out of his office half an hour later with dirty underwear, and Minseok feels a little bad. He’ll have to go back to his room and change too. Minseok can make it up to him another time, because this is pretty new for them as it is. They skirt around the subject of their future, they stop when things get a little too heavy.  
Minseok stops it, he isn't completely ready to let things go further. This is just a catapulting head first into the complete unknown. Lu Han is gentle with him, understanding.

Minseok doesn't _think_ he's in love in anymore.

He knows, he knows.

He heads over to his department head’s office, paperwork in his arms.

 

 

✶❊✶

_His body is weightless, unhinged. Arms reach towards him, scrambling to find something to grasp. He should be worried, panicked--the voice yelling is repeating the same few words over and over. He has no understanding, just unfeeling, unknowing.  
Nothing._

 

Minseok feels something hit his head, he sleepily opens his eyes only to quickly take hold of the bar above him. He's not in his bed, and his foggy mind is able to actually register what i happening. This had been a warning, they were told it could happen at any time. The shock is what they would have to overcome, and it would be the greatest obstacle they'd have to deal with, especially if they happened to be alone.  
There simulations of what to do in an emergency where there wasn't any gravity, but two weeks of training were hardly enough. They’ve been here for nine months now, and it had been easy to let their guard down. The thing that had hit Minseok’s head is the metal bar attached to the ceiling. They're in all of the rooms, the same way that all of the furniture is attached firmly to the ground. They're all precautions.

There's an emergency alarm going off, it's piercing in the same way the fire alarms are meant to be. Minseok is calm, even if they're experiencing zero gravity this very second. He hears Lu Han yelling his name, but it's high pitched. Minseok's stomach clenches, they're advised to stay in their immediate areas, but Minseok can't. He has to try to go to Lu Han. He has to.

He tentatively lets go of the bar and immediately grabs it again, thankfully the ceilings aren't too high. He tries again, moving along the wall, pushing against the ceiling. It's slow moving, but better than he had hoped. Minseok faces the biggest challenge when he makes it to the doorway. There's a another bar in the middle of the hallway, but it's just out of reach. The hall itself is wider than he recalled too. He sucks in a breath and lets himself be carried to the top, but he grabs onto the bar before he can lose his and end up further down the hall.

Lu Han's door is thankfully open, so he repeats the process, if it wasn't for the weightlessness, he would've slammed hard into the wall.  
"Lu Han?"

He's huddled far into the corner of his room, but there's dark red wetness sliding down his face.

"Lu Han?" Minseok's own voice panicked shaking with the question, "Lu, are you?"

He doesn't move, but Minseok keeps rushing forward, until he's right where Lu Han is huddled.

"I'm okay, okay, okay--" Lu Han is dazed. Minseok brushes his bangs away, the blood is already starting to dry, but he wipes it away best as he can with his tshirt. He takes Lu Han's face in both of his hands, but sees the wound is just a small cut right above Lu Han's eyebrow.

"I panicked--I--" He says shaking, "I hit my head, I'm a fucking id--"

Minseok takes Lu Han's hands into both of his, holding him, not saying anything. He lets Lu Han talk, but he's more so dissolved into babbling. Minseok lets him continue, because right under the layer of this episode, Lu Han is reacting to something else. It's been building up, Minseok can tell. And he's not the only one. Everyone just seems to let it manifest in a different way. They're either explosions, or episodes that seem to fizzle and pop without even shaking.

"I just--" Lu Han begins to say, but there's an announcement being made over the speakers. They both listen intently to what's being said, the alarm has already been turned off.  
They're going to turn the gravity back on little by little, so as to not to cause more injuries, or for people to go into further shock. They've already managed to fix the generator that had been turned off due to a power surge.  
Most people had been sleeping, so a lot of them had gone into shock. Minseok pulls Lu Han to him, and he pulls them both down closer to Lu Han's bed.

"Sorry," Lu Han says a little bit later, they're both sitting up now, a nest of covers cushioning them. The gravity has come back completely. Minseok just shakes his head, threading their fingers together, he looks at how they fit nicely. Lu Han's bracelets brushing at his own skin.

"I was sleeping really well too," he lets out a shaky laugh, "I think maybe I just need to go home."

"Well," Minseok says, he knew, but he's happy Lu Han recognizes it. "Let's get you to the nurse first."

Lu Han looks up, fingering at the now dried blood on his face, "I hit it on the corner of the bed. Real smooth, huh?"

"Does is hurt?" Minseok's concern coloring his words.

"If I says yes, will you kiss it for me?" He cheekily asks, offering himself to Minseok.

Minseok shakes his head, hiding a smile. He holds onto Lu Han tightly until they make it to the designated nurse for their floor. There's a short line outside, most people having also suffered from minor bumps and cuts. They keep Lu Han overnight, along with a few other people to check for concussions. Minseok is sent back to his room, a minor bruise on his shin is nothing really.

He goes back to his room, but Minseok finds that no matter what, he can't sleep. He tosses and turns, until he finally sits up in bed. Minseok finds himself taking the elevator down, and he goes to sit in the open observation area. He still refers to it as that, despite it just being a lobby area to socialize. He picks up the couch cushions and sets the neatly back onto the couch. Lu Han kissed him here the first time the officially went on a date. That meant them going to one of the auditoriums to watch a movie that had come out in the States a few months ago. It was awful, and they had left early, defaulting to a game of soccer.  
Minseok had taken a seat, and next thing he knew--Lu Han was kissing him, soft, fingers curled into his hair.  
Minseok still hasn't been able to find that space cloud they had seen, months ago, but he searches for it out of habit.

He finds his eyelids growing heavier, and he goes back to his room.

Lu Han's recovery goes smoothly, and they spend the next week cleaning and reorganizing. It's mostly Minseok putting nervous energy to use.

He submitted his paperwork to the head of his department, but he'd completely forgotten it would have to go under review. A minor detail in the grand scheme of things. He's been nervous the entire week, and he'd only remembered when Max had mentioned it to him. Leo and Sojin are in the honeymoon phase of their whatever it is, but it's cute. Leo also smiles a lot more, frequently too. They don't talk as much though, their own work taking up all of their time. It's alright, because Minseok is happy to see them when they can, soccer matches traded for quick coffee breaks. It’s good too.

 

 

Minseok wakes up with the awful nervous feeling in his stomach again, but it turns out to be a premonition for good news. His research was approved. His Starburst cluster of stars is going to be officially added into the database. Minseok is thrilled. He knew his calculations had been perfected to the smallest of details, and he had also spent a distressing amount of time reading the guidelines. He was positive it would get approval, but there's always room for self doubt. His news is shared with just as much enthusiasm from the people in classes, but the message that pings when he's sitting in his office--that holds the weight of the entire world.

_you did it. my pretty little star, proud of you_

He colors at the choice of words. He messages back a quick, _who talks like that_  
He only gets a little heart in return, and Minseok hates to admit how much it means to him. He’s weak at the knees for Lu Han. He would think himself pathetic, but Lu Han makes his chest expand. It’s as if every single part of him has committed. To this--to them.

 

✶❊✶

 


	3. la tímida aurora de tus células

  
Lu Han shows up to his room after dinner that night. It's Wednesday, 2012, and Minseok is aching to be touched. Lu Han smells really really good, and he's dressed as usual. Today he has on a blue shirt, and his hair is messier than how it usually is. It's supposed to be a semblance for early spring on the ship, but it really makes no difference.

Minseok is sitting on his bed, curled up with a book, but Lu Han pushes his way onto the bed with him. He's lying with his head in Minseok's lap, playing with his bracelets.  
His eyelashes curl prettily away from his cheeks when he's looking down, and Minseok can't help brushing his thumb against them. Lu Han's eyelashes flutter, kissing lightly against Minseok's skin when he pulls away.

"Stop looking at me like that," Lu Han says, "that's my thing," he turns so that he's sitting up. He takes the book from Minseok's hands and places it to the side. He tucks his legs under and sits up. Minseok isn't like Lu Han, in terms of expressing. In terms of vocalizing. He's better with showing.  
"What?" Minseok asks, "Did something happen?"

Lu Han shakes his head, instead he leans in, brushing Minseok's bangs away from his eyes. He'd cut his hair recently, at two am with a pair of almost too dull scissors. Lu Han swears it looks fine. He always has some kind of praise on the tip of his tongue, coddling Minseok, but not really. Never in a patronizing overbearing kind of way. He's a reassurance of the love he has, the love they share.

Minseok hates how fluttery he feels when Lu Han takes his face into both of his hands. He always does this, just watches--touches gently.

He makes Minseok want to hide.  
Turn away.

He also makes Minseok feel prized, adored.  
Special.

Like he's one in a million, a sentiment with feeling. An expression that means something beyond the cliched effect it usually gives.

He feels important.

Loved.

He leans further into the touch, lets Lu Han explore the angles and curves, closing his eyes. Lu Han is forever gentle when he's like this. Minseok places his hand against Lu Han's. Minseok opens his eyes slowly and stares into the dark brown of the other's.

"You're more of a star than I am," Minseok whispers, fingers tracing over the slope of Lu Han's nose, dipping his finger into the cupid's bow, dragging down plush lips.

Lu Han's eyes are shimmering.

He's distraught, when Lu Han's mouth opens and closes, eyes flickering to Minseok's mouth. He continues marveling at the delicate features arranged before him. Fingers tentatively curling into soft silky hair.

"Kiss me," Lu Han breathes, "please, Minseok."

He does as he's asked, leaning in, a chaste brushing of lips. This is what he craves too. The whisper soft exhales on his lips, right before he takes.

He ravages, because it's need.

Single minded.  
Want.

 

He craves all of Lu Han, in the same exact way he's looked at. Resolute.

Completely and wholly.

But he's gentle. In return, Lu Han is hot in his hands, bubbling with just as much need. His hands wander, taking Minseok's hair into his fingers, scratching at the scalp. Letting Minseok lick into his mouth, and despite his ease with words, Lu Han is already putty, easily receptive.

Minseok is dominance, pushing his tongue into Lu Han's mouth with natural ease, lapping up the whimpers. Collecting them with every lick and swipe. Lu Han comes up for air first, a thread of spit connecting them. Neither can be bothered to feel embarrassment, pressing their foreheads together, panting in the close space.

"Touch me, " Minseok whispers, "like you mean it. Like you've wanted to, all this time. _Lu Han_."

His voice is shaking. He's really no good at this.

Lu Han nods, placing his hand on Minseok's chest, letting it wander down so its resting right over his heart. Lu Han leans in, kissing the tip of his nose.  
Ever so soft.  
His hands move down more, they disappear under his shirt.

 

Skin against skin.

 

"You're holding your breath," Lu Han says, "tell me if you want to stop."

Minseok nods, but he gets rid of Lu Han's hands to remove his shirt. He drops a kiss on Lu Han's cheek, it’s a reassurance.

He wants this. He wants Lu Han.

His hands continue, brushing over skin and then he does something sort of unexpected. His thumb brushes Minseok's nipple.

His intake of breath is a little sharper, and Lu Han smiles, dropping his head to blow over the reddening skin of Minseok's chest. His lips close over one of the pebbled nubs, he teases with his teeth. It’s so so nice.

He brings Lu Han back up, taking off his shirt, and Minseok tosses it aside. It's not fair if he's the only one half naked.  
Shaking.

"You're so--" Minseok says kissing down Lu Han's neck, biting at the sensitive skin between his neck and shoulder. Lu Han presses closer, hands gripping his shoulders. Minseok feels a light brushing of Lu Han's knee right against his crotch and he realizes just how hard he's become.  
He's aching.

Every single individual cell is calling for more more touch.

 

He instead pushes Lu Han down onto the bed, mouth kissing between collarbones--over beating heart. He kisses down his ribcage, trembling stomach. He bites the sensitive skin around his hipbones, nuzzles the light trailing of hair, it’s a quiet geography that Minseok wants to learn thoroughly.

Lu Han's whimpers are encouraging, as is the way he grips Minseok's hair tightly. It stings a little, but he can't help but lean into the rough touch. A delicious sort of teasing pleasure--painful but good too.

He pulls jeans down, stripping himself down too.  
It’s almost an eye for an eye kind of mentality, and Minseok really wants to feel. Lu Han’s boxers are endearing, cute, but they’re covering his erection with a demure sort of enticement. He leans in, placing his mouth right over the tip. It tastes like cotton, and a light saltiness from the precome seeping through. Minseok kisses along, moving to smooth thighs.  
They're strong, the tense muscles under the skin rippling with Lu Han's movements. He sucks a particularly large mark on the inside of one of Lu Han's thighs, immediately rubbing over the blooming skin with his thumb.

"Minseok," Lu Han whimpers, "you're awful--"

He smirks into Lu Han's skin, placing a kiss on the side of his knee, repeating the same onto the other. Lu Han's mouth is hanging open, bangs already starting to stick to the side of his face. It's pretty warm in his room.

"Let me touch you," Lu Han says sitting up, "let me--" his gaze drops to Minseok's own clothes erection, "let me take care of you _Minseok_."

He's stronger than he likes to let on, easily pulling Minseok to the front. Strong hands gripping his thighs, supple lips enclosing around his earlobe. He leaves a bright red mark of his own right on Minseok's ribcage, a smile plays on Lu Han's lips when he does so. It'll bruise later, and that pleases Minseok.

What’s mine is yours.

An eye for an eye.

And then he hooks fingers into Minseok's underwear, swiftly throwing them to the side. He crouches down, mouth briefly closing over the shiny red tip of Minseok's hard cock. He pecks it lightly, lips only teasing, tasting the bit of the precome settled at the slit.

"Even this is pretty," Lu Han mumbles stroking, before suckling the head, dragging teeth. Engulfing it with his entire mouth.

Hot and plush and wet.

Minseok's head falls back. He squeezes his eyes shut, letting just how good it feels wash over him. He also can't really stand to look at Lu Han's like this, how eager he is. To please, to be touched.

It's so so much. A sensory overload.

"Pretty boy," Lu Han says, "I can't--I can't get enough of how _good_ you taste," he's swallowing Minseok down. As if to prove how true his words are, he moans around the length, throat vibrating with the sound.  
Minseok can't speak, it's like he's lost all sense of who he is. Pleasure curls with a hot white intensity in the pit of his stomach. Lu Han is holding his thighs down with ease, preventing him from trying to buck up into his mouth. Lu Han is really good at this, eagerness quite obviously being quelled with the easy control he has over Minseok's body.

Minseok wants to come, and Lu Han seems to get it, because he quickens his pace, picks up the rhythm. Minseok loves watching him, but it's still too much to process. His fingers thread into the curling hair at the nape of Lu Han's neck.  
He trails his fingers down the notches of Lu Han's spine, and he realizes with a sort of startling clarity how fragile the skin is there. He smoothes over the skin, reaching to lightly press the heel of his palm into Lu Han's still clothed erection. The wet spot on the cloth is bigger, but he pulls down the waistband. He's hot, heavy in his palm, and Minseok loves the silken feel under his fingers.

He can't do much more when he looks at Lu Han. Gets lost in how astounding he is.

Lu Han’s lashes are damp, tears flattening them down just a little, and his lips are stretched perfectly around his width, he's a mess.

Lu Han is a fucking exquisite wreck, he’s a jarring beauty.  
An entire universe of emotions flits across his face when he let’s Minseok slip out of his mouth, precome smearing across his cheek. Minseok wants to feel every inch of him. Every single part abstract and concrete, as long as it’s _him_.

“Fuck me,” Minseok whispers, “ _Lu_.”

His eyes widen fully, lashes fluttering slowly above pink flushed cheeks.

“Are you sure?” Lu Han sits up, doe eyes searching his face. His cock is a flush of bright red, pinned against his stomach. Minseok feels bad, and he reaches out a hand to try to relieve Lu Han.  
He whimpers, “I can’t come like this Min,” and he pushes Minseok onto his back, gentle as always. He smiles sheepishly when he turns to take off his boxers, and he fishes out a few packets from his jeans.  
“Thank you for being prepared,” Minseok feels like fucking disappearing, he’s nervous.

“I just had them--” Lu Han trails off, getting Minseok to spread his legs further.

“You know how this works, right?” Minseok asks, but he’s teasing, only pushing for the pout he knows Lu Han will give. He gets just what he wants.

Lu Han snorts, and it’s a really ugly expression, out of place in this context. Perfect nonetheless.

Lu Han places a kiss on the inside of his thigh, leaning in to trail his tongue briefly, tease right at Minseok’s entrance. He slicks up his fingers with the lube from one of the packets, and he presses gently inside. Minseok bites his lip, the intrusion uncomfortable at first. He quickly adjusts, and then Lu Han is pressing inside again. He curls his fingers, pumping in and out with short quick movements. Minseok lets his toes curl, because it’s starting to feel better.

“More?” Lu Han asks, and Minseok can’t talk, he’s only able to let out a low grunt of approval.

Lu Han increases speed with the third finger, and Minseok doesn’t remember who he is.

“You have no idea,” Lu Han pants, leaning in to suck more marks onto his chest, rub a pebbled nipple between his fingers, “how fucking gorgeous, _cosmic_ you are Minseok. Do you even know?”  
Minseok’s jaw has gone slack with the pleasure, sweat is beading along his upper lip. He blindly looks for Lu Han’s mouth, kissing hard, letting lips bruise. He’s biting down, swallowing Lu Han’s words, his fucking confessions.

They taste like nothing, and everything all at the same time.

Lu Han is pulling him apart with such ease, his head is spinning.

It’s _unfair_.

Completely and utterly.

“Where’s the condom?” Minseok’s voice sounds hoarse even to his own ears. Lu Han’s wrist must be getting tired, and he wants more, he wants to be filled to the brim. Lu Han sits up, in a daze. Minseok is tightly coiled, body sensitive to everything. He sits up gingerly.

Lu Han's is really pretty too. Minseok wants to nuzzle into him, but he's already rolling the condom onto Lu Han. He kisses, tasting latex, and a little bit of the lube.

"Ready?” Lu Han breathes, lining himself up to Minseok’s entrance.

“Yes,” Minseok says, pushing himself up onto his elbows and he leans back.  
Lu Han slides in gingerly; Minseok feeling the stretch past the first ring of muscle, sighs. He sits, letting Minseok adjust to the fullness. It only lasts for half a second, because Minseok begins to move his hips, urging Lu Han to do the same. He thrusts slowly, barely pulling out.

The pace is maddeningly slow. He wants Lu Han to pick up the pace, he wants it _harder_. It’s hard to ask when the look on Lu Han’s face is completely blissed out. He keeps stuttering with his pace, stopping to drop a kiss. He’s mumbling something, but Minseok can’t hear. He pulls himself up, arms wrapping around Lu Han’s neck to fully embrace him.

“You feel so good,” Lu Han babbles, “so, so good--”

“Fuck, h-harder,” Minseok says, snapping his hips up, Lu Han’s pace falters. He stops, pulling quickly at Minseok’s leaking cock.

 _Make me forget_ , a wordless plea, kissed into Lu Han’s shoulder.

Minseok wants to be consumed.

Lu Han pulls out completely, a brief emptiness until he slams back in, angling up briefly. He makes Minseok see a flashing white.

“I love you so much,” Lu Han is barely able to let the words out, “I swear to god, you’re a fucking ethereal existence--fucking _starlight_ Minseok--you’re--fuck” He’s wrecked, Minseok kissing him into oblivion. He’s so in love, overwhelmed.  
They’re colliding into one another, barely able to hold on, slick skin slipping, easily sliding.

Close, close, close.

Perfection.

 

Because it’s blinding, all consuming, and warm.

This is it, this is true to form in the absolute moment.

Minseok is lost, floating in this moment. Just them, both their of their existences.

Together.

They’re billions of years in the making, they’re tiny specks of dust. Their existence happens in the blink of an eye.

But this is everything.

They’re two wisps intertwining in this cocoon of time.  
It’s theirs.

Minseok comes first, cock rubbing against Lu Han’s abdomen, painting it in thick ropes of white across marked flesh. Lu Han collapses onto him, pushed to the edge with Minseok constricting around him, pumping him for everything he’s got. They curl into one another, come and sweat gluing them together. It’s disgusting, Minseok vaguely thinks. Filthy, with Lu Han still buried at the hilt inside of him. Come leaking out onto his leg.

He’s so fucking hopelessly in love. Except _hopeless_ is the wrong word. Lu Han is a shooting star across time, and Minseok is standing here with open arms.

Lu Han doesn’t say anything, and this is the first time Minseok feels the need to fill the space between them. Maybe Lu Han is waiting. He has his head buried in Minseok’s chest, arms tightly clasped around his waist. They’re both still breathing in quick pants, heavy exhales.

Boneless.  
Minseok combs through the caramel brown hair, breathing in the smell that is Lu Han. The post coital affection has him kissing the top of Lu Han's head repeatedly. He's wordlessly confessing, this is his way.  
This wonderfully awful feeling is too grandiose, incomprehensible.

He opens his mouth to speak, but he stops when Lu Han's breathing evens out.

He marvels at this. A small vacuum of space, everything else melts away.

"It's okay," Lu Han whispers, startling Minseok.

 

"You don't have to--push yourself. I can tell," Lu Han is looking at him, eyes glittering in the dim light. He adjusts himself, sitting up, finally pulling out. He pats Minseok’s butt with an apologetic smile when he winces.  
“Do you want me to--” Lu Han gestures, “um--”

They half heartedly clean up, and Lu Han makes Minseok lie down on his stomach. He’s in borrowed underwear and a shirt; Minseok couldn’t bother with anything besides clean boxers. Lu Han climbs onto his legs, pushing into the muscles with precise pressure with the pads of his fingers. He stops every now and then to place a kiss on Minseok’s shoulder blades--his spine. He doesn’t talk now, it’s as if Lu Han has used up all of his words.

He’s tender, a soothing presence.

Minseok finds himself drifting to sleep. Lu Han isn’t massaging anymore, he’s running his fingers down the sides of Minseok’s body, nosing along, lips brushing ever so lightly. He leans forward, pressing his chest into Minseok’s back. His chest expands, Minseok is comforted by the weight of Lu Han’s body on his.  
Lu Han rolls onto his side, curling into Minseok’s arms.

“You’re rapid blinking is really cute,” Lu Han says, “you always do that when you’re thinking too much.”

Minseok responds, but it’s the hardest thing. He weighs his words, parting his lips--tongue ready. It’s heavy. A billion years--that is this very second. Heavy.  
“Thanks,” he stutters through the sentiment, “I mean--I’m really happy, you--,” he breathes. Lu Han always makes it look so easy.

“I really do love you,” Minseok finishes.

Lu Han returns the sentiment, repeating how kind and patient Minseok has been with him. He’s a thousand thank you’s and I love you’s in when they end up falling asleep sometime later.  
Fluttering touches and too quiet words.

Minseok dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

✶ Epilogue ✶

Minseok is awoken by pounding on his door. He stumbles out of bed and is met with two very familiar people.  
He doesn't cry, not when they're standing in his kitchen. Minseok doesn't cry when he finds out they've been saving for over a year now to make it out here. He doesn't even cry when he thinks about the fact that he almost dropped out, and that would've all gone to waste.

He finally does cry when his mom hugs him, she's smaller than he remembers. He completely breaks down, sniffling like a little kid when he's met with his dad's watery eyes. He isn't as sturdy as he used to look. Their fragility is made apparent with age, but Minseok thinks it might be part of that growing up. Another thing you aren't taught how to deal with.

His mom fusses over him, her softly accented English filling him with nostalgia when they're at the grocery store. She's set on cooking him a real meal. She piles as much as she can into their grocery cart. Minseok knows he's going to have leftovers for days.

"You're too skinny," she keeps saying, over and over. Minseok has only been back for three months, and he hasn't adjusted to making his own meals. He's also been going on frequent bike rides, and he's gone camping three times in the past two months. His skin is tanned, muscles a lot more defined due to all of the outdoor activities.  
He'd spent a week with Lu Han in the mountains, just the two of them.

But she still fusses, and Minseok is in heaven when they're sitting down to an early dinner that evening. His dad is quieter in comparison to his mom, but he smiles happily. He had stayed home, and he'd fixed a few things for Minseok. There was a leaky faucet, among other things Minseok had neglected to fix up. His dad, the dependable. This townhouse is new, but the cheap rent is in place for a reason.

He's happy with it though, because depending on how things go--Minseok won't be living alone for very long. He also has his own patio with an area he can turn into a garden. It's perfect, and he wouldn't have been able to afford it if it hadn't been for the small sum of money he'd received from the space program.

That and being lucky enough to have gotten help from Amber and Dongwoo in finding this place. He’d still be crashing on someone’s couch if it hadn't been for them. His parents are marveling at the things he tells them, after he'd come home, he would skype them twice a week if they could get to an internet cafe. He would call often, but that's not the same as recounting things in person. He's being babied too, and Minseok lets himself shamelessly preen at their attention.

Minseok mentions his stars, the Starburst cluster, but he's kind of disappointed he doesn't have a telescope powerful enough to truly show them anything. They're finished eating, but they keep talking. None of them move from Minseok's small dining table.  
He gets up, and he goes to dig around in his room for the folder containing the pictures of the star cluster he'd taken on the ship. A thin piece of paper flutters to the ground when he's taking them to show his mom.

"You discovered this?" His dad asks, he's looking at it in wonder. Minseok's chest fills with pride when they praise him. His mom is actually cooing.

"It's not that big of a deal," Minseok says blushing, "there's just a lot out there they can't catalogue everything. What's cool though is my name is attached to it in a database. All of the data I collected is there too."

His mom picks up the white sheet of paper and looks at it, "What's this?"

"My um--," Minseok pauses. He doesn't know if it's okay to refer to Lu Han as his _boyfriend_. His parents know he's gay, but they still don't talk about it. He goes with the safer route, and it kind of hurts to do that. He knows Lu Han would understand though.

Of course he would.

"My friend was doing work on agriculture in space. He said it reminded him of a flower, so he helped me name it Starburst."

"It's like the candy," His dad laughs, "but I like it. You did a good job Minnie."

His dad always defaults Minseok's nickname first.

Minseok smiles, feeling completely content. He's missed them, and he's incredibly ecstatic that his parents are here. What's even better is that they're here for his graduation. After coming back, Minseok had to take one more class, a senior seminar. He's graduating with a hundred other students or so. Dongwoo is also one of them, because he'd gotten behind in his classes. It'll be comforting to have someone he knows walk across the stage too.

Minseok will finally be accepting the paper that makes the past four years of his life worthwhile. Everything he's worked hard for, this amazing journey outside of the Earth's atmosphere, and all of his doubts, they're worth it. And maybe it is just a paper with printed words. It doesn't matter. This has been a long way coming. Minseok wishes he could go back in time and encourage himself more.

He'll be graduating with what is probably too much debt, but he did it. He made it.

It's actually anticlimactic. The entire ceremony is done in the blink of an eye. His mom takes too many pictures, the candid ones are slightly unflattering. Minseok still laughs when he looks at them. Dongwoo is bouncing away, his parents had come too. They go out to dinner, and when they're finished, his cheeks hurt. He'd laughed too much, and he'd eaten what seemed to be too little. He'd been too busy talking, reminiscing.

He had been invited to a party, but he opts to go to the movies with his parents. He promises to take them out the next morning for breakfast. He wants to make the most out of their time here.

His phone rings when he's getting ready for bed.

"How's the graduate life?" A familiar voice asks. It never fails to make Minseok feel like a thousand butterflies are trapped in his chest.

"Pretty good, I've moved up to your ranks. It seems to be we're equal now," Minseok continues the light hearted conversation.

"It was a lonely week being the only graduate in this relationship," Lu Han jokes, "I'm glad my little star has leveled up."

Minseok scoffs, teasing Lu Han for being the biggest dork, the most beautiful.

He's brimming with happiness.

 

Minseok drives his parents to the airport a few days later. They had cancelled their hotel, and had instead stayed with Minseok. He’s really going to miss them, but he thinks he’ll be making a trip to see them sometime soon. Lu Han has expressed interest, as long as there are frequent stops, and that they can make a detour to Beijing. Something like that. He sends them off.

Minseok doesn’t cry.

 

Lu Han moves in about a month later, taking all of his things clear across the country to live with Minseok. It's a two for one deal, because there's a company interested in developing plants by cross breeding with ones found in outer space. There are also different projects and even research he's being asked to do in that area. It's perfect. Minseok is really excited for Lu Han too. This is a huge opportunity for him to do something big, without having to leave the planet.

Minseok has a little bit of a harder time finding a job in his specific field, but he's been asked to possibly teach at a community college near by. He would be taking over a weekly astronomy class, and it would be during the night. He's fine with that, because teaching what he loves suddenly seems very appealing to him. He's also been invited to an elementary school as a guest speaker for their exploring space week, his old advisor, Professor Alazar, had set him up with that one. He's pumped about it, even if it's not doing paid research. It's something, and he's really happy to be getting any offers.

If he's being honest, Minseok is also really excited about making mobiles of the solar system with elementary school aged kids. Lu Han is too, and he's invited himself to tag along as an assistant.

 

It's a warm sultry night, and Minseok decides to cook a pasta dish he saw on the food network. It tastes surprisingly good, because between him and Lu Han, Minseok is the better cook. Minseok is notorious for messing up _oatmeal_. Lu Han goes on a quick run to buy a bottle of wine, and it's cheap, but it doesn't matter when they fill the wine glasses Minseok owns. They toast to a successful meal. They decide to sit outside on the patio, plates in their laps and drinks at their feet. Enjoying the quiet night.

"We should start fixing up the garden, maybe get a small table with chairs out here," Minseok comments between bites of his food.

"You sound really domestic," Lu Han teases, "this tastes delicious by the way."

"Thanks," Minseok mumbles around the garlic bread, "but also, shut up."

Lu Han laughs, and it rings in the dark. He begins to suggest plants they could possibly get, maybe even grow some tomatoes. It's humid, and the wine is refreshingly cool sliding down Minseok’s throat. He leans ever so slightly into Lu Han. Something shoots across the mostly empty night sky, and they almost miss it, but neither one of them blinks. Minseok hadn’t seen or heard anything about a meteor shower on the news.

They each make a wish anyway.

Lu Han is washing the dishes, and Minseok comes up behind him. He’s sleepy, body heavy from the heat and food, the little bit of wine is making him feel fuzzy. Minseok’s arms snake around Lu Han’s middle, he sighs into the soft worn material of his shirt.  
"You alright," Lu Han begins, "or is that a happy sound."

"The latter," Minseok answers, propping his chin on Lu Han's shoulder. He actually has to reach up a little, but Lu Han only has a few centimeters on him. Lu Han shuts off the water, dries his hands, and he twists in Minseok's arms so that they're facing each other.

Lu Han looks virtually the same as he had when they first met, a little over a year ago now. His hair is cut into a neater shape, bed head disappearing after breakfast. He's still the perfect boy Minseok is completely in love with.  
"You haven't changed at all," Lu Hans says as if voicing Minseok's own thoughts. His mental reading abilities seem to have also gotten better.  
Or he just knows Minseok too well.

"Hmm," Minseok hums, "hopefully I'm a better person though, right?"

"Nah," Lu Han breathes, voice huskier, "you're kind of terrible, in a beautiful sort of way."

Lu Han presses him into the bed later, lazily kissing up Minseok's body. He's always stopping to pay extra care, mumble a declaration of love into Minseok's trembling skin.

He kisses the individual fingers on Minseok’s hands, whispers words too grand, too full of surety. He also spreads himself easily, turning vulnerable under Minseok’s gaze, the care. He’s fleeting touches, but Minseok is also determination. He’s strong willed love.  
This is how it goes, always a sort of routine they never tire. Not when it’s like the entire universe melts away around them, and they’re caught in a stop motion world where it’s just the two of them. Beings humming in tune to one another.

They’re both meeting in a head first sort of collision.

A real cosmic wonder.

✶❊✶

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cried my way through this, the same way i slept my way through astronomy. never take astronomy at 8am. anyways, this is the longest thing i've ever written, and ive been wanting to write this for a long time, and the opportunity presented itself. i love xiuhan, and i feel really good about having written this. please comment if you enjoyed. i don't think i'm going to continue to write exo or if i'll crosspost everything from my lj bc it's a hassle but i have other fic here (http://www.androidmin.livejournal.com)


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